When my husband Rick and I first started praying together we STRUGGLED. We knew how important it was to seek God as a couple. ( 4 SURPRISING BENEFITS OF PRAYING WITH YOUR SPOUSE) But let’s face it. It’s easier said than done!
For one thing, we weren’t sure how to do it. We gradually learned how (HOW TO PRAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE ) but then other obstacles reared their ugly heads.
For one thing, we have different styles of praying. It. Drove. Me. Crazy. Still does! Not that he’s wrong and I’m right. We’re just different. And that can be irritating.
Then there’s finding the time to do it and the fact that so often, just before we’d go to pray, we’d end up in a fight. (See Obstacles #1 and #5). Not to mention the vulnerability in praying together–or the temptations to use our time to sneak in a dig or two.
It turns out Rick and I are not alone.
Almost every couple I’ve talked with has experienced obstacles to praying together!
These obstacles can seem overwhelming at times, but there are strategies that can help you overcome them.
Even with all our struggles, Rick and I never gave up, knowing how essential praying together is. We’ve worked to overcome every obstacle that comes our way.
The blessings that have followed–drawing closer to God and to each other and seeing answers to our prayers–have far outweighed the struggles we’ve had (and still have at times).
Here are the obstacles we’ve faced and some strategies that have helped us.
OBSTACLE #1: Spiritual Warfare
The enemy of our souls is the NUMBER ONE opponent of your praying with your spouse.
Satan knows the power of two or more praying together (Mt. 18:19-20), and he trembles at it!
He’ll do his best to make you think you have no time, to try to provoke you into conflict, to make you feel awkward, to aggravate feelings of irritation toward your spouse–and, most of all, to blind you to the power and importance of praying together.
STRATEGY: Awareness of the enemy’s tactics is the first step in overcoming this obstacle. When opposition to your praying together arises, consider the source.
Determine to overcome all obstacles, despite spiritual opposition.
OBSTACLE #2: Lack of time
Many couples envision prayer time with their spouses as lengthy, involved sessions involving long lists of requests to God.
But praying together doesn’t have to take a long time. Unless both of you agree to it, save extended sessions for your individual devotions.
Even if you can carve out five minutes together per day, you’ll notice a difference in your relationship with your partner and with God.
You can pray any time–at the beginning of the day, during lunch breaks or, like us, before you go to bed.
You can pray anywhere. Thanks to modern technology, distance need not be a factor. You can pray over the phone or on Google Meet or FaceTime. Rick and I have done this many times, sometimes calling on our lunch breaks and other times when one of us is traveling and away from home.
STRATEGY:
Start with 5 minutes a day. Anyone can afford that much time! Time and place are not important. What IS important is that you establish a routine. It can be a specific time of day or connected with something you do (e.g., every day at 12:00 noon or right after dinner.)
If you pray in bed, take precautions that one of you doesn’t fall asleep. When we were first married we’d be lying in bed, I’d start praying and then wait for Rick to pray—and wait—and wait. Pretty soon I’d hear a soft snore. We laugh about it now—and take necessary precautions. Now, due to different schedules, Rick goes to bed earlier than I do. Our routine is to pray before he heads to bed.
OBSTACLE #3: Different styles of prayer
As a couple you may come from dissimilar Christian traditions, you may have been taught to pray differently, or each of you may gravitate toward a style of prayer that appeals to your unique personality.
One of you might feel uncomfortable praying out loud, while the other enjoys doing so. One may pray in a soft, reverent voice, while the other shouts their petitions. One may prefer written prayers, where the other thinks spontaneous prayers are the only way to go.
This can cause conflict between the two of you. As I mentioned before, sometimes the way my husband prays irritates me. I want to stop him and tell him he’s doing it “wrong.” But I’m aware that’s exactly what Satan wants me to do.
The truth is, as I mentioned above, we have different styles of praying. Neither is wrong. I’m used to my way, and he’s used to his. So I bite my tongue and thank God I have a spouse who wants to pray with me.
STRATEGY:
DO NOT CORRECT YOUR SPOUSE’S PRAYING! This will shut down your prayer time and build a wall between you.
The way to overcome this obstacle is to respect each other’s preferences and accommodate your prayer time to meet each other’s styles. If one wants to pray silently let them. The other can voice their prayers. If one wants to pray quietly and the other shout, agree that you’ll allow each other that accommodation. Respect and accept each other’s styles.
Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Be thankful your spouse is willing to pray with you!
Remember: it’s not about the style. It’s about approaching the throne of God together in humility—toward Him and toward each other.
OBSTACLE #4: Awkwardness
Your spouse may not be as far along in their spiritual walk as you. They may feel awkward about praying as a couple.
Or maybe neither of you has experienced praying with someone else, and you feel self-conscious.
STRATEGY:
If you’re further along in your spiritual walk than your spouse, avoid the temptation to come across as “holier than thou.” Instead, encourage them. Show you respect their walk with God. If they don’t want to pray, offer to pray aloud for both of you. Keep it short and maintain a soft voice.
Commend your spouse for any step they take, however small, toward praying with you—even if it’s just saying “Amen” at the end of your prayer. Many want to do it, they just don’t know how.
Gentleness, patience, and humility are key here. (Phil. 2:1-4)
If you both feel awkward about praying with others, don’t let that stop you! Prayer is simply a conversation with God. Talk with Him like you would with each other. Check out HOW TO PRAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE IN SEVEN SIMPLE STEPS to help you get started.
OBSTACLE #5: The temptation to fight
As I mentioned before, Satan will do anything in his power to keep you from praying as a couple. One of his main strategies is to cause friction between the two of you.
STRATEGY:
Being aware of the enemy’s tactics is the first step to preventing a fight before, during, or after prayer. If you see a pattern of conflict before your prayer time, try to discern what’s fueling that conflict. Maybe you feel defensive because of the vulnerability of prayer. Or maybe one of you is using prayer to sermonize or manipulate the other (see Obstacle #6).
Discuss together what’s happening and how you can overcome it together.
When Rick and I are in the midst of a conflict and our prayer time approaches, we still pray! It’s usually, “Help us, Lord!” through gritted teeth. But who better to help us than God Himself.
OBSTACLE #6: The temptation to misuse prayer
When you’re praying with your spouse it’s tempting to sneak in little digs. I call these manipulative prayers:
“God, I forgive my husband for hurting me even though he refuses to acknowledge it.”
“Lord, help my husband understand how cruel his mother is toward me.”
“Thank You, Lord, that you respect me even if my wife doesn’t.”
These aren’t true prayers to God. They’re digs at your spouse clothed in the cloak of piety. They only cause pain and friction in your relationship and will certainly drive you both away from praying together.
In addition to manipulative prayer is using prayer to sermonize. Long, drawn-out prayers that preach messages are not prayers and are certainly not appropriate to subject your spouse to. As mentioned above, praying is a three-way conversation between the two of you and God. That means you speak in short sentences so that your spouse and God can get a word in edgewise!
STRATEGY:
When you pray check your motives. Are they pure before God? Are you truly talking to God or using your prayer to manipulate your spouse or preach a sermon?
If you have issues with your spouse, deal with it before you pray. Or come together and humbly ask God to help resolve them. If there are issues you can’t seem to resolve as a couple, seek counseling. Avoid using prayer to manipulate or hurt your spouse. This will quickly destroy your prayer life as a couple.
OBSTACLE #7: Not knowing how to pray together
Many couples would like to pray together, but they just don’t know how.
STRATEGY:
Read my post, HOW TO PRAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE. Don’t worry about being perfect or holy. God has promised, “Draw near to me and I will draw near to you.” He doesn’t care how polished you are or what your style is. As you take a simple step toward Him, He’ll be right there with you.
BOTTOM LINE:
The best advice I have is this: When obstacles to praying together as a couple arise, DON’T GIVE UP! Keep trying! There is so much treasure in store for you as a couple when you pray together!
Despite the obstacles, you can press on to a satisfying prayer life together!
