It was Christmas, but the joy that should have filled the air was replaced with an oppressive pall of sadness. Every year at our greater family get together, the adult children had secretly wondered if we would still have Mom and Dad next Christmas. They were getting up there in age and were more feeble each year.
No one in their wildest imaginations thought my sister-in-law would be the first to go. She seemed fine at my daughter’s wedding in July. In late November she was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. A week later she was gone.
We were in shock. Our hearts were broken. She was too young to die! The cheery music, the bright holiday decorations, the happy greetings surrounding us only served to accentuate the pain.
There’s a lot of pressure to put on a happy face during the holidays. After all, it’s “the most wonderful time of the year!” But for many, the Christmas season can give rise to a significant struggle.
Most of us feel the stress of so many things to do in so little time. But some are mourning the loss of loved ones in the present or past. Others have lost a job and can’t afford to buy gifts for their kids. Still others dread the emotional pain inflicted at family get-togethers. Some battle painful Christmas memories. Or they’re spending Christmas alone while their kids are enjoying the holiday with their ex.
Whatever the cause, depression at Christmas is more common than you would think. So how do we deal with the holiday blues?
Here are some ways to help you cope.
1. Lower your expectations.
Drop the illusion of an ideal Christmas. It only exists in movies. Yes, there may be fun moments, but our emotions aren’t going to change just because the holidays are here. If life is stressful, if you’re struggling with sad memories or negative emotions, acknowledge it. And acknowledge that it’s okay to feel that way during the holiday season. At the same time, take steps to turn your thoughts and emotions toward the positive.
2. Plan ahead.
Sit down and figure out what needs to be done, and then schedule it on your calendar. This can save you from a lot of stress. If there’s a particular day that you know you’ll be struggling, like the date a loved one passed away or the day after Christmas letdown, plan something special for that day to boost your spirits.
3. Simplify.
Every year when I was growing up my mom put on a big holiday open house. To prepare she made dozens of cookies of many different varieties and beautifully decorated every corner of the house. For some reason I felt I had to replicate that. For many years I slaved away in the kitchen and labored over decorations wondering how I was going to get it all done.
Then one year two things occurred to me: 1) I didn’t have an open house to prep for like she did and 2) I was a busy pastor’s wife and educator who didn’t have nearly the time my stay-at-home mom did. So that year I just made one variety–our favorite–sugar cookies. Nobody seemed to even notice the missing varieties. This year I’ll get the sugar cookies baked. If I happen to have time to do more, fine. We also have extra decorations sitting in boxes that may or may not make their way into our living room this year. I’m not going to sweat it. I’ve learned to simplify.
When you reach the point where you’re so overwhelmed with your holiday “to do” list that you start thinking, “This isn’t worth it! It’s not fun anymore!” it’s time to SIMPLIFY.
Sit down (by yourself or with your family) and make a list of what is most important for you at Christmas. For us it’s celebrating the birth of Jesus and spending time with family. Anything else is fair game to be crossed off the “to do” list. Don’t be dragged down by family traditions. Look at each one and decide which are the most meaningful and which you can do without. If one of your kids is insistent on keeping a particular tradition (like baking a certain kind of cookie), assign them the task of carrying it out.
4. Get together with people close to you.
Every year the women in my family have a Christmas tradition of getting together at a tea room for lunch. I can’t tell you how much I look forward to this! We also do a lot of traveling to visit family in other states. It’s worth it to us to spend the time with our loved ones.
Getting together with people we love lifts our spirits. Meet with a close friend for coffee. FaceTime with a family member who’s far away. Go to church. Have friends over.
5. Reach out to help others
Reaching out to help others is a great way to take your mind off your own troubles. Volunteer to help with the church Christmas program, serve dinner in a homeless shelter, buy gifts for disadvantaged children, visit a nursing home, go caroling, invite a lonely neighbor over for cocoa and cookies. Perform “random acts of kindness” like paying for the coffee of the people behind you in the drive-though.
6. Set boundaries.
Say “no” to others’ expectations that will overfill your schedule and cause undue stress. Limit the number of activities you attend to those you can comfortably fit into your schedule. You don’t have to attend every function!
Limit or eliminate the time you spend with toxic family members or friends. We can still love, forgive, and pray for them and send them affectionate cards. But sometimes we just need to maintain a safe distance for our own emotional health and the health of our family.
7. Reframe your thinking.
Focus on what’s going right. Take joy in the little things around you–Christmas lights, delighted children, acts of kindness. Be thankful for God’s blessings in your life. If you’ve lost a loved one, thank God for the time you did have with them.
If you suffer from painful memories see this as a time to wipe the slate clean. It’s time to redeem your Christmas and make it what you’ve always wanted it to be. Unload traditions that are burdensome or that trigger painful memories.
8. Take care of yourself.
Keep up with your exercise program. (Or at least take some walks.) Limit your intake of goodies. All that sugar can contribute to feeling low. I eat sweets, but try to limit myself to certain days–like Christmas Eve, Christmas, and New Year’s Eve. Or limit the amount of sweets you eat each day.
Set aside time for daily devotions. Carve out time for a Christmas movie or a short break to read. Even if it’s ten minutes! Find time to laugh and sing!
If you’re experiencing deep depression, seek professional help. A pastor or licensed counselor can lend a listening ear and refer you to resources that might be of help.
9. Do something to remember your lost loved one.
Friends of ours who lost their son invited their close friends to attend a local orchestra’s Christmas concert that he had enjoyed every year. We met beforehand over drinks and appetizers and shared our memories of their son. Then we attended the concert, which moved us deeply as we remembered his delight in music.
Buy a special ornament to remember your loved one by. Or purchase a live Christmas tree and plant it after the holidays in your loved one’s memory. Remember, too, that the person you lost would want you to enjoy Christmas. There is a time to mourn, and we need to take that time. But there comes a time when we need to move on, though we always keep them in our hearts.
10. Ask Jesus to walk you through this time.
The babe in the manger is cute, but when you’re struggling during the holidays you need the Risen Jesus. Lean into Him and ask Him to walk with you through these days. Remember, “this too will pass.” The new year will come, your schedule will return to normal, and you’ll be back on track again. And He’ll be there to navigate you through it all.