When the busyness of life presses in, married couples tend to go into “survival mode.” Communication becomes about schedules and what needs to be done. Without your realizing it, your relationship can start to drift.
When my husband Rick and I married we recognized we’d need to be intentional if we were going to stay connected as a couple. It was one thing to date–the long walks, the meaningful talks while gazing deep into each other’s eyes–followed by the wedding and a honeymoon in the tropics where we slept late and snorkeled in turquoise water at our leisure.
It was quite another to come back to earth–to a job, graduate school, bills, and responsibilities weighing heavily upon us. We had to work to keep our communication lines open.
Once kids came, it became even tougher. When that happens all bets are off. Your schedule explodes and, if you’re not careful, you and your spouse become like ships in the night, each focused on what needs to be done–not on each other. What’s communication? You’re just trying to survive!
Unfortunately, marriage isn’t an item on your bucket list that you can check off once accomplished and go on to live your busy life.
Marriage is more like a garden. You have to water it, feed it, and weed it or the plants will shrivel up and die.
I’ve seen this happen many times. Couples marry and become so overwhelmed with life’s responsibilities that, without realizing it, they’ve lost their connection. That’s when weeds can grow up, you start to drift away from each other, and temptations surface.
So how can you avoid the drift and stay connected in the midst of the chaos? Here are six ways that have helped us:
1. Prioritize your relationship.
Before Rick and I were married, we decided what our life’s priorities would be. Our relationship with God was at the top of the list, but our marriage was second. Then came children and our ministry/careers. Throughout the years, whenever life has become too busy, we’ve sat down and assessed how well our activities and schedules align with our priorities. Then we’ve readjusted accordingly.
The Good vs. The Best
Some of this involves learning to distinguish between the “good” and the “best.” There are many good things calling for our attention that can actually take us away from our calling and priorities. The “best” allows us to fulfill our calling and duties without sacrificing our relationship to our spouse.
Learn to set boundaries–to say no to the “good” things that are crowding your schedule, and yes to the “best” things that will not distract you from connecting with your spouse.
This may involve cutting down on volunteer activities or even a job or career change.
2. Plan time together as a couple.
Go on dates! Rick and I have always done this. It’s a great marriage builder. The secret is to . . .
plan ahead and put it on your calendar!
Once it’s on the calendar, say no to any and all requests, barring an emergency. Just say, “Sorry, I have another commitment.” You don’t have to tell them it’s a date with your spouse. Many people just don’t get the idea of prioritizing your marriage.
Go Deep!
Try to arrange dates that involve talking to each other. Movies are fun, but make sure you sit down for dinner or coffee before or afterward so you can actually talk.
When you talk, veer away from “shop talk” subjects–planning your schedule, responsibilities that need to be completed, concerns about the kids.
Instead, delve deep into how each of you is doing emotionally (yes, talk about feelings!). Talk about your dreams and aspirations, worries and fears. Encourage each other. Flirt a little. Tell your spouse what you love about them.
You can also plan weekend getaways with your spouse.
No money to date? Take a walk and talk. Or put the kids to bed, fix some hot chocolate and popcorn, snuggle up, and talk.
Make Use of Drive Time
Rick and I have had some of our best talks in the car. We used to work at the same high school. Instead of taking two cars, we adjusted our schedules so we could drive together. This gave us time to talk and pray together.
Chances are you don’t have the same arrangement, but you can talk while running errands together, on the way to church, on vacation trips, whenever you happen to find yourselves alone in the car (or when the kids are asleep in the back seat). Be intentional. Grab little moments to connect whenever you can!
Schedule Intimate Time
The movies portray couples suddenly overcome with desire and running off to the bedroom, leaving a trail of clothes behind. Nothing wrong with spontaneity, but the reality is, when you’re super busy, you need to plan time for sexual intimacy.
Put it on the calendar!
(But use a code word, in case the kids see it.)
Don’t be put off by scheduled intimacy. It actually has advantages! It allows for the joy of anticipation and verbal foreplay throughout the day leading up to your time together. Surprisingly, the brain is the most important sex organ in the body. Anticipation and verbal foreplay prepare the brain to make your time together all the more pleasurable.
3. Work together when you can.
If there’s little time to play together, work together. Run errands, go shopping, cook dinner together while catching up on your day. Or work together at the kitchen table, each with your own task, whether paying bills or preparing work documents.
If Rick and I haven’t seen each other much during the week, we’ll hop in the car and run errands together on Saturday. Or I’ll put away the clean dishes while he works on the dirty ones, as we share how our days went.
At other times we go on “work dates” to a coffee shop or library, sitting across the table from each other with our computers, working on our own tasks.
4. Check in with each other during the day.
Text, e-mail, or FaceTime each other during the day. Not just about what needs to be done or which child needs to be ferried to what practice. Tell your spouse you’re thinking about them–that you love and miss them. If you know they’re going into a tough day, text them, “I’m praying for you.” or “You can do this!”
A word of caution: Double check to make sure your communication is going to the right person. Rick and I have had a few red-faced moments–like when his romantic e-mail to me accidentally went to his boss instead–or when my flirty text went to my son-in-law by accident. We can laugh about it now, but we definitely squirmed at the time!
5. Develop Rituals
By rituals I mean little habits or actions that you do repeatedly as a couple. They don’t necessarily take long to do.
Rituals add predictability and stability to your relationship. They mark you unique as a couple and draw you close to each other.
It might be a kiss as you head out the door every morning, texting each other at a certain time each day to check in, little sayings or nicknames unique to you as a couple, a cup of coffee and talking after dinner, taking fifteen minutes to share how your day went at night, praying together.
Here are some of the rituals Rick and I have shared as a couple: Rick calling me at the same time each day to talk and pray when he was at work and I was at home with the kids; standing at the door and waving goodbye as the other drives away; hugging each other and saying, “Woooo!” implying more is desired (keepin’ it real here!); pancakes every Saturday morning; a date night every Friday or Saturday; popcorn every Sunday night; watching Blue Bloods together; praying together every night before we go to bed; my saying, “Drive carefully!” when he leaves the house (implying, “I love you and want you to come back safe and sound.”).
6. Stay Connected to God–Especially When You’re Busy!
Remember the priorities Rick and I set early in our marriage? God. Is. Number. One.
Think of it as an equilateral triangle. You and your spouse are on each side of the bottom. God is at the top. As you grow closer to God, you grow closer to each other.
Pray together daily
Even in the busiest times, we need to keep God at the center of our marriage. Praying together can help to accomplish this. [See 4 SURPRISING BENEFITS OF PRAYING WITH YOUR SPOUSE.] Since our first day of marriage, Rick and I have prayed together every evening (with few exceptions) before we go to bed. It’ a ritual that has helped to ground our relationship.
Practice spontaneous prayers
We also pray spontaneously. If we’re on the phone and one of us raises a concern, the other will launch into prayer. When one of us reports a blessing, the other will say, “Thank You, Lord!”
God is the third Person in this “heavenly love triangle,” always present. We like to acknowledge that and include Him in our conversations.
Many couples struggle to pray together. If that’s you, check out my blog posts CAN’T PRAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE? SEVEN BREAKTHROUGH STRATEGIES and HOW TO PRAY WITH YOUR SPOUSE: A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE But for now, remember that our praying together as couples is a threat to Satan, who will do anything in his power to stop us. Allow that your spouse may have a different style of praying or be in a different place spiritually. Determine not to let that stop you–and not to criticize.
You CAN stay connected during busy times!
It may be a battle to stay connected as couples in the midst of our chaotic lives, but don’t give up. The struggle is well worth the reward of a close relationship with your spouse!
Such great advice, Karen!! Even though almost all our kids are grown and out of the house, life has become busy once again with the schedule of our new little grandbabies! It’s such a very blessed time but this is a great reminder to continue to nurture and water our marriage ❤️
ps – it was a great blessing to meet you in Omaha!!!
Thank you for your encouraging comment, Debbie. I really enjoyed meeting you in Omaha!